where do you keep your heart?

Hearts, everyone has one.

Some are ice cold, yet some burn like the sun.

Some seem to be a million miles away,

yet some seem to be close by as if they plan to stay.

Some hearts long and yearn for days long past and gone by,

while some hearts ache for whats to come or on the other side.

There are a few hearts that seem to have a hold of something tanglible--

something real,

while the rest just want something that just for a moment becomes understandable

and minutely clear

Some hearts are stuck searching for the words its mouth can't say

while the lucky hearts have expressible impressions of the heart to tell of for days

Some hearts can be found on ones sleeve or in the expressions on ones face

other hearts can't be found anywhere, like its kept hidden away.

Where do I keep my heart, you ask?

My heart is much like the first, it is protected by walls of glass.

I can't seem to help but keep it in the open, as if it and all the passions it brings are set on a stage.

Yours, on the other hand, I can't seem to find--i don't understand your ways!

I wear my heart on my sleeve for all to see.

While yours is buried in the sand, kept far away from me.

While a heart living in the public may suffer much injury,

a heart kept shut up will die out and is merely adrift out in the sea.

Not all hearts receive love, and even fewer open up to give it.

Hearts who never risk giving that love are the very ones sacrificing the ability to ever receive it.

You see me.

El-roi

God, You see me.

You see every smile that crosses my face.

You see every leap of excitement.

You rejoice with me when bliss comes my way.

You laugh with me at my silliness.

You see me.

El-roi.

You see every tear that falls,

You hold them in Your hands.

You know every time I frown.

You weep when I am far from You.

You see me every time I am down.

You watch me sin against You time and time again.

And yet, You pick me up every time I fall.

You see me.

Who am I that You would see me?

Who am I?

I am the one You loved enough to die for,

that's who.

God, You see me.

You see me and still You love me.

You are my El-roi!

arise

They will know us by our love.

Come church, ARISE.

Do you see hurting?

That means we aren't doing our job.

They will know us by our love.

little girl with the crumbling iron wall

Here I am.

I tried so hard to protect myself,

to keep my heart safe,

to be a good little girl,

to put up that wall and keep it there.

I tried so hard.

I thought I needed that wall for protection.

I thought I needed to guard myself from hurting.

I thought I needed to prevent myself from getting broken.

I thought I needed to stop feeling so vulnerable and uncomfortable.

or so I thought.

There I was with my iron wall,

which I trusted to protect me,

not knowing it was only made of straw.

There I was thinking I was made of steel or something,

like nothing could penetrate this girl.

But there I was, being completely wrong.

My wall did not keep out the hurt,

It kept out You.

YOU protect me.

YOU are the solace for my heart.

YOU are my iron wall.

It is in You, and You alone, I place my trust.

Unchanging

Here I am
In a river of questions
Can I pour my heart out to a listening ear?
I see this life
Its valleys and mountains
And I think of all the roads that brought me here
I’ve questioned my reasons
The life I’m living
I’ve questioned my ability
To judge wrong from right
I’ve questioned all the things that I’ve ever called certain
My race, my religion, my country, my mind

I’ve questioned significance
Meaning and relevance
Does the work I’m doing really matter at all?
Well I’ve questioned my friendships
Alliance, dependence
Who will still be here when I fall?

Only one thing doesn’t change
Only one thing stays the same
All I know at the end of the day is your love remains

But the one thing I don’t question is you
You really love me like you say you do
You really love me like you say you do
Hold me
Hold me

the drowning out of my bitter songs

I tried Lord
I tried Lord
I tried hard to be Your good little boy
Chin up, head high
All zeal and no joy
Thinking all my good deeds could please Jesus
Boy, was I wrong
Though I knew the right songs, all my cymbals and gongs played the melodies wrong
And it wasn’t long ‘til I saw my disease
A life spent wanting to please
On hands and knees
To make right, to appease
God help me please
This can’t be Christianity, it can’t be
The whole thing’s like insanity
Where’s the rest of eternal security?
Where’s the hope of a God big enough to cope with all my hang-ups and insecurities?
Certainly this isn’t breathing
My chest burning and heaving
It’s like my pulse is ceasing
Like my heart quits beating
Yet this I recall to mind and therefore I have hope:
You died, Lord
You died, Lord
Assuredly, like the coming of the dawn, the Father’s love song goes on
Drowning out my bitter songs
And breaking through walls and barriers
Christ swoops in, removes sin, picks up His bride and carries her
So I can sing in agreement with the King this thing:
There’s only one thing that pleases the Father
The God-man on the tree in the midst of the scoffers
Now I finally see that Christ is what Christ offers
And I’m finally free in the love of the Father

-Not Without Love - Jimmy Needham

i can't find my fairy tale.

I can’t find my fairy tale.

I’m happy and I’m cared for.

But my heart tells me I am a princess,

I just can’t find my fairy tale.

Your promises tell me I am a princess,

I still can’t find it.

That elusive happy ending.

That white horse with the prince.

That happily ever after.

Where is my fairy tale?

My heart says that I was made for more than this.

Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with my “this”

But, it’s not my fairy tale.

This loneliness, it isn’t my fairy tale.

This heartache, it isn’t my fairy tale.

This search for more, it isn’t my fairy tale.

My fairy tale is happily ever after.

It’s a partner that you can go through life with.

It’s ….happy. It’s companionship. It’s love.

It’s just not this.

Where is my fairy tale?

just live.

I read over my blog and I realized that it sounds completely depressing! Ha which is weird, because i'm not a depressed kinda person. I must only feel like really writing down my thoughts when I'm in that kinda mood. I apologize. That depressing streak of blogs must end. haha

I'm beginning to realize some things. This may come across as shallow but as Christians, we are called to live, i mean really live. Granted we are to do school and work and everything else for His glory but I don't think Christ called us to a life bogged down with the pressures of everyday things. Our minds must be set on eternity. And while we are here, we must live. "The glory of God is man fully alive." St. Irenaeus of Lyons I believe that. Jesus came to "bind up the broken hearted" so do things that make your heart happy. Go watch a sunset. Drive 5 hours just to catch a beach breeze. He said, "Above all else, guard your heart for out of it flows the wellspring of life." I believe that by guarding it He didn't just mean protect your heart but He also meant, take care of your heart! What makes your heart happy? Do those things! We are here but an instant, so show the world what joy it means to have the One as our Savior and Lord. Show the world joy! "Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10 So how do we make it through this life? With the joy of our Father as our strength.


This is a sidenote but it is something I am learning. I once caught myself saying that I didn't want to hang out with certain people too often because I felt like being around them I wouldn't be able to not fall into some of the same sins they do. So i would hang out with them, just not often. but i am sure it came across as I am too good to really be good friends with them. What a hypocrite I am! Those are the very ones I am called to minister to. "If you faint on the day of adversity, then your strength was too small" Proverbs 24:10 How awesome it is to go overseas and around the globe for Jesus but for me, if i cannot minster and love on those who are the very closest to me then what am i doing? We are just called to love people. Jesus was often caught just chatting with the prositutes and the taxcollectors and the Pharisees. I think if Jesus had come at this day and time, he would've been caught chatting with the potheads and prostitutes and all the ones that make us feel uncomfortable. Those people are who we (i'm talking to myself as well) need to ministering too.

the words i couldn't say

they stumble out,
but it's only in my mind.
my head is screaming the words my mouth won't say.

some words,
at their mere utterance,
make it seem all too real.

summer rain

the soft splash of warmth on your face
the lightening that illuminates as flashes of clarity
the sweet smell of spring that it carries with it
the sounds that orchestrate the perfect sleeper's symphony
the chance that it provides...

the chance to wash away the dirt that has collected,
the chance to start afresh and anew,
the chance to turn over a new leaf,
the chance to forget about the muck that has been washed away,
the chance for newness...
Thank God for summer rain.

my adjectives

i ache
i'm eager
i'm ready
i'm unsatisfied
i'm incontent
i'm longing

i'm......searching.

flirting with the world

I flirt with the world
It steals my love for You
My fear grips my faith
And I am left unmoved

Your gaze stops my heart
Your voice fills the dark
Your love is the spark that lights this life
So we rise

Out of the depths You cry
'Come and be satisfied'
Father, You sing
Father, You sing over Your children (Sing Over Your Children - Matt Maher)


Father, You are the ONLY one
only You can satisfy and fill
when You come in, you fill every void
man's words can only go so far
Father, You go there and beyond.
I hear Your voice and I catch my breath.
I experience Your love and I find sparks.
Only You can satisfy me and make me whole.
It's only You, God.
Only You!

two roads, one traveler

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
and sorry I could not travel both,
and be one traveler, long I stood,
and looked down as far as I could
to where it bent in the undergrowth." (Robert Frost)

Choices....ah, choices
choices keep me up at night
choices keep my focus

I've realized that you choose what you do and love
you can make up your mind about what you love
you can choose who you love
you can choose what you love
it's a matter of deciding to love someone

now i must decide
to love or not to love
to love without giving man my heart,
is that possible?

Loving God is a choice, a choice made daily.
It's not something we can do solely on emotion.
We have to choose love whether we want it, or not.

"Let me be in love with what You love
Let me be most satisfied in You
Forsaking what this world has offered me
I choose to be in love with You
I will choose to be in love with You" (Christy Nockels)

You cannot choose two.
Two roads, one traveler
"and be one traveler, long I stood"
That's where I am.
Looking down the two paths.
I must choose one.
Make up my mind for only one.
I must choose the one, good thing.

"Only a few things are important, even just one. Mary has chosen the good thing. It will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:42

afraid but playing anyways

"Never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game"

Peter the Passionate:
Peter is perhaps my favorite disciple
He was passionate, I identify with that
One minute, he is slicing an ear to protect his Savior
The next minute, he is saying he never knew Him
We all remember Peter as one who messed up big time
But he also made up for it big time
He played big, he made risky moves
He lived life on the edge

It's so reassuring to know someone who I feel is as passionate and bipolar as me, could really follow Christ. He really made a difference. I feel like one minute I'm hot and the next, I could be cold. I'm so motivated by fear. If I am too afraid of the outcome, I won't go through with it. If I find the whole thing altogether overwhelming, then I drop out. Fear cannot motivate me. We must play big, in order to win big. In order to gain anything, we must risk everything. We must live passionate lives that aren't motivated by fear.

All the things worth having require a risk.
All the lives worth living demand that we take risks.

amateur juggling

I got so many balls up in the air.
Should i have this many?
I don't know, but i just keep juggling.
If i let one fall, will they all fall?
So i keep juggling.
Fear motivates me.
Fear of everything falling out from under me.
Should i add another ball?
Everyday, i could add more if i'm not careful.
Careful, that's what i got to be.
A poser, that's what i feel like.
Can they tell how i'm struggling?
Can they tell how amateur i am at this?
I think if i keep this up, one day, just one day, i'll go pro.

"For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them." Matthew 13:15

"The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, Because the LORD has anointed me To bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to captives And freedom to prisoners" Isaiah 61:1



Thank you for healing my heart, making it new.

the heart of the matter

My heart is so filthy.
I took it and rolled it in the mud,
covering it, hiding its true glory.
I ran it through thorn bushes,
scratching it, taking away its wholeness.
Even worse, I took it and smashed it against a wall,
in pieces, its broken and scattered.

Childishly, I took scotch tape and tried to make it whole,
I'm such a fool.
I cannot make my heart whole.
I cannot remove the nasty and scratches and bruises.
It's not my place.

God only asks for your heart.
So haphazardly, I tried to clean it up,
to make it look presentable,
before presenting it the Holy, Divine CREATOR
...like He doesn't see right through my attempts.

How could He want my heart?
I've messed it up so immensely.
How could I ask Him to dwell there?,
Where I've stored up the lies I've believed of Satan,
Where I've given so much away carelessly,
Where I've been so wreckless,
Where I've stored up muck and filth and lies!

But He does.
He wants it.
He wants to dwell there.
He wants to restore, heal, and caress.
He wants to go beneath the lies, and show the glory of your heart.
He wants to make your heart the wellspring of His life.
He wants your heart.

to label me a hypocrite would be only scratching the surface...

turn me around, pick me up
undo what i've become
bring me back to the place
of forgiveness and grace
i need You, need Your help
i can't do this myself
You'�re the Only One who can undo
what I've become

Undo - Rush of Fools

Disbelief

More and more I see my disbelief

These people have been around my entire life,

Why don't i believe them?

They say they care,

Why isn't that enough?

They come when it isn't required,

Why do i still not believe?

Still, i can't see past my hurt

It's true, they aren't perfect.

Am i expecting perfection?

How can i love people so much,

and still not believe they actually return it?

Savior, I need to believe You.

You are perfect.

"I need you like a hurricane,

thunder crashing wind and rain,

to tear my walls down,

I'm only Yours now."

i slowed down

somewhere, somehow i slowed down
i stopped running
i'm going now at a light, happy jog (or something)
it's weird how the easier, light jog is less fulfilling
the jog seemed to be happier, but it just isn't...
running was.
running was exhausting, hard, and made me a bit crazy
but it was fulfillng.
what changed?
not the length of my quiet times nor the amount i read
not the amount i serve nor the amount of distractions
it was something else that changed
i think it was my heart.
i think i harden my heart really easily.
if i don't watch it, it will harden and then re-harden everyday.
and it's an everyday thing.
everyday it must be broken.
it needs to be tender so God can use me,
so that God can love through me.
i must soften to hear His voice and then obey.
i must invite God to break my heart daily.
Won't you come break it today, God?

it's only you

Lead me. I'll follow.
I'm only following you, Jesus.
It's only You.
So lead me.

I want to be pursued, romanced, chased, and wooed.
So woo me.
You'll have to do it God.
No one else will.
No one else can.
No one will satisfy like You.
No one.

Satisfy me God.
It's only You who can.
It's only You.

God, You are the One I love. You are the only One who can fill me up. Fill me up with You. Make me new. Make me like You. Fill me with You. I want to overflow with You. Only You.

the build up

The pressure keeps building
pressure to do more
pressure to say more
pressure to read more
pressure to pray more
pressure to love more
it keeps building...

My desires keep building
desire to sit with you more
desire to see her again
desire to be with You, face-to-face
desire to be ANYWHERE BUT HERE
desire to be home again
i just keep desiring...

Satan keeps me believing his lies
You aren't doing enough
You aren't smart enough
You can't help them enough
You aren't ENOUGH
It doesn't stop there...

You'll never cut it
You'll never do anything but fail
You'll never be good enough
You'll never be smart enough
it just keeps building...

And I know these are lies.
I've heard them so many times,
I have them memorized.
When will it stop building?

and I know Who is the Truth.
and I know, "I make all things new"
I don't feel so new right now.
I feel tired and worn down.

I read through this, I know...
It doesn't show my joy.
I have joy, I have peace.
It's just hiding somewhere
beneath the build up.